“Let Them” might be the most powerful thing you’ll hear – and say – in 2025. It has already been for me. But I’m not getting the tattoo. Seriously. Author Mel Robbins, who wrote “The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About,” has received hundreds of photos of Let Them tattoos since she first introduced the concept in her podcast. She says, “The fact that people around the world were getting Let Them permanently inked on their bodies is honestly what inspired me to write this book.”
As she started the serious research for the book, she realized why so many of us spend so much time on trying to manage how others behave. “It’s about a fundamental law of human nature: All human beings have a hardwired need for control.” But the one thing we’ll never be able to control is other people. And trying is making you a little crazy. (Or a lot, depending on your personal history and temperament.)
Mel writes, “You’ve been fighting to change people, battling to control situations, worrying about what people say, think, or do; and in doing so, you’ve created unnecessary stress, tension, and friction for yourself and in your relationships. I did too. [But now] Instead of wasting my energy on something I can’t control—what others say, think, and do—I pour my energy into what I can control: me.”
She cites the time she discovered on social media that a group of women she’d been friends with for a long time had taken a girls’ weekend away together. It looked like they’d had a blast. And Mel wasn’t invited. She pored over the happy photos; she brooded; she ruminated, and she worried she’d done something wrong.
But finally, she got to the right place: Let them. The first time she said it, she felt a little relief. But Let Them takes a while to work when you’re really hurt. She writes, “The second time I said it, I felt a little better. The third, fourth, fifth, sixteenth time, thirtieth time I said it. . . I felt a little better. I will be honest with you: In these types of painful situations, you’re going to have to keep saying Let Them over and over, because when something hurts, the hurt doesn’t just disappear. It rises up again and again. So don’t be surprised when you find yourself having to repeat Let Them again and again.
Let Them go on the trip. Let Them take the weekend together. Let Them have their fun without you.”
So simple, but not at all easy.
Because all her emotions were not going to change a thing, except the way she felt about herself. “Their choice to go away didn’t have to make me feel bad, but my attempts to control the situation were making me feel horrible.”
This is a universal truth about how other people’s actions affect us. One moment, we’re feeling fine, then in the next moment, we learn that someone’s behaved badly. Your coworker said something mean behind your back. Your husband forgot to do what he promised. Your son broke up with his girlfriend via a cruel text. The thing these events have in common is that they happened a while ago. When you weren’t aware of them, you were fine. It’s only your awareness – and your consequent pain – that has changed.
So what happened, happened. What they did, they did. The only thing you can control going forward is how you decide to feel and decide to act. Yes, each of these situations might call for a heart-to-heart talk, but you can’t control the outcome of that, either. They may apologize; they may not. They may still think they’re right.
Let them.
This message is so powerful for me, and maybe for you as well because I’m a fixer. If something (or someone) isn’t right, I want to help. To fix it. To control it. To make sure it doesn’t happen again.
But I can’t make everything better. To keep trying is exhausting.
Mel writes, “apart. I had to be the one who kept everything together—relationships, work, friendships, even the emotions of the people I love. And when something didn’t go the way I expected, it felt like a reflection on me. If someone was upset, if something didn’t work out, if I wasn’t included, I automatically thought I had to fix it, change it, control it.”
If you’re like me, or like Mel, this book will change your life.
More in future posts.
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