In this post and this post, I have written about a book that’s sweeping through the internet like a fresh cool breeze: The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About by Mel Robbins. Mel says that we waste an enormous amount of time, energy and emotions trying to control how others are acting. If we’re not trying to control them, we’re spending a bunch of energy reacting to them, to their bad behavior, unsolicited advice or judgment, or simply their annoying presence in our space.
Two words can fix all that and set you free: Let them. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage or please other people, learn to Let Them do, be, act, in whatever way they’re going to.
Philosophers from the ancient Stoics to the author of the serenity prayer (Reinhold Niebuhr) have advised us to focus on what we can control and let the rest go. Much of what we experience every day, from the weather to traffic to annoying people, is outside our control. The only thing you can always control is how much you let life bother you. Mel writes, “In life, there will be things you can control, and things that you can’t. There will be situations that are fair, and situations that are not. You get to decide what stresses you out and for how long.”
So the next part of the “let them” theory is “let me.” “Let Me” gives you the power to take action. To remove yourself from the situation. To change lanes. To change jobs. To change the story you’re telling yourself.
Mel writes, “You are never stuck. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You can leave a job, a relationship, a living situation, a date, an interview, or a conversation any time you want to… Let Me choose to spend my weekends differently. Instead of blowing off steam at the bars with your friends and complaining about work, how about you pour your time and energy into doing the work to find a job you deserve? Yes, it may take you six months to land something amazing, but those six months are going to go by whether you do nothing, or you go after what you want.”
Let me puts the responsibility for how happy and productive you are back where it belongs: with you. That doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want when you want it (or at all), but it puts you in the driver’s seat.
Here’s another important point about taking charge of your own goals and happiness: some people aren’t going to like it. They will have opinions. They will try to talk you out of it. They will be mean about it. Let them. Mel says it’s astonishing how much we care about what others will think and how we let it limit us. She writes, “This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself. It paralyzes you with perfectionism. It’s the reason you overthink.”
Then, “This is where that ends. You can’t control what another adult says, does, or thinks. Try to and you’ll regret it. The more you Let Them think what they want, the better your life gets.”
“You can’t even control half the thoughts that pop into your own mind. Why the heck do you think you can control what pops up in someone else’s?” It’s not about not caring; it’s about giving them permission to think whatever they want. But you’re also giving yourself permission to do it / live it/ write it/ be it anyway.
“Let Me” is not designed to turn you into a narcissistic bulldozer; it’s simply a way to make decisions based on your own guiding values and not on what other people will think. And that will set you free.
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